Come on y’all, let’s take a ride; don’t you say shit, just get inside. It’s time to take your ass on another kind of trip—to a porn star car wash, where it will be repeatedly doused with suds while Coolio raps about jerking off. Hip-hop’s foremost tour guide has just released “Take It To The Hub,” a Pornhub-commissioned promo video that invites listeners along on a fantastic voyage to the masturbation depot, where they will be fluffed into self-stimulation by a 50-year-old Coolio, rasping in their ear.

“I saw a pussy and a titty and an ass cheek, it kept a smile on my face since last week,” raps the man who once charted his treacherous journey through the valley of the shadow of death, now enjoying a far more scenic route. Coolio takes a look at his life and realizes there’s nothing left—except ass. There’s some on the right, too.

Advertisement

As Coolio rattles off the names of several porn stars he likes to rub one out to, many more of them strip naked and grind and plaster themselves in official Pornhub stickers, all in an unfettered bukkake of branding. One of them wears a dragon costume, eating a banana and sucking her own tail—because of eroticism. What remains of Coolio’s braids have been twisted into reindeer antlers, for the same reason. It’s all very safe for work, if you are Coolio.

While initial reports suggested that Coolio’s song was a “new single” for the newly minted Pornhub Records—the most literally masturbatory vanity label ever created—and presaging an entire, PornHub-released album, Coolio quickly shot that down in Rolling Stone:

It’s not even my song that I’m putting out. I’m never doing a new album. I’ll probably do nothing but singles. I’m as good as anybody out there lyrically and conceptually and can go toe to toe with the best of them throughout history. But I don’t know how much longer I’ll be doing it. It’s not really fun anymore.

Advertisement

By way of illustrating his point about losing his passion for the music, Coolio then said he would do a new album for Pornhub if they paid him enough money. By way of illustrating his point about being as good as any rapper out there, he also played Rolling Stone a recording of a new song he’d made about how you should always wash your hands before you play with the pussy, titled “Play With The Pussy,” based on advice he’s given his three daughters.

“I have three daughters and I told them if a guy does not wash his hands before he touches you, then he don’t respect you,” Coolio said. He added, “It’s funny, but it’s also the truth”—both of this bit of advice, as well as the general state of his career.

Furthermore, Coolio also insisted he doesn’t even use Pornhub—or any porn—“because I am fuckin’ porn… If I want to see porn, I’ll fuckin’ put a mirror next to my bed. There’s 7 billion people on the planet, right? If that’s so, then I’m one of the world’s 1 million greatest lovers.” So, that’s a whole lot of Coolio indulging himself for one article.

Advertisement

“Take It To The Hub” is also available for purchase as an MP3, for those who have similarly turned their back on society.

[via Vice]