In the wake of a growing circuit of Comcast customer service calls being recorded and traded like even-more-irritating Phish bootlegs, Consumerist’s Worst Company In America has hired a new customer service VP, one who’s been specifically tasked with pretending as though that is a service Comcast is interested in providing. Of course, mending the cable monolith’s awful reputation isn’t as easy as installing a figurehead, then immediately returning to not caring. Like calling the Comcast support line, the lack of any real resolution is going to take years.

In a statement titled “Reimagining The Customer Experience,” CEO Neil Smit lays out his bold vision for this new world, where the dreamers dream of a day they don’t just silently suffer through their Comcast subscription for fear of having to talk to one of its employees. Rather, Smit pledges to “make sure we are putting our customers at the center of every decision we make”—a vow that is already evident in its decisions to, say, deliberately tank Netflix bandwidth speeds during negotiations. From now on, you can always expect to be right there in the middle.

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Indeed, under the supervision of newly installed customer service VP Charlie Herrin—though you can call him “Charlie” at the end of every sentence, in the condescending manner of Comcast reps—Smit says Comcast will now make customer service its “best product.” It’ll do so by using the same quality control it brings to all its other products, like the modem you’re calling about in the first place.

For example, Charlie will now “listen to feedback.” Charlie may then transfer you to another department, so it can also listen to your feedback. That department may hang up on you, requiring you to call again and repeat your feedback. Eventually your feedback will be received by a representative in a call center in India, who will inform you that the feedback department is now closed. You will need to call back tomorrow between the hours of 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. Now you’re listening to feedback.

With all this in mind, Smit admits that Comcast’s “transformation”—from a company with terrible service, into a company that claims to be concerned about terrible service—“isn’t going to happen overnight,” particularly as Comcast doesn’t provide any useful service overnight.

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“In fact, it may take a few years before we can honestly say that a great customer experience is something we’re known for,” Smit says, well aware that its looming merger with fellow shitty monopoly Time Warner Cable will ensure that—as always with cable customer service—you have no choice but to wait.

[via The Verge]