Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Illustration for article titled Cinemark to reward you for not texting during movies, even though youre the only real person on Earth and can do what you want

Despite this ostensibly being a free country, in which everyone has the right to live as the only actual human being on Earth adrift in a sea of hallucinations who are just there to test him, it is somehow still frowned upon for someone to pull out their phone in the middle of a movie theater and light up their entire row with a little glowing box—even if they're only doing so to ask some of the friendlier hallucinations what's up and holla at them for a bit, even though this is the entire point of "life." Some theaters have attempted to shame this behavior out of existence; others have resorted to more threatening tactics. None of them have bothered to consider that they are just figments of the texter's imagination, and therefore insignificant.


But finally, Cinemark has hit upon the most effective strategy for enforcing the basic standards of politeness, as dictated by the meaningless ghosts who insist on having their own, precious movie-going experiences: Bribing, with money. Or coupons that will save money, anyway, as Cinemark encourages attendees to use its new CineMode app during screenings, which will dim their phones and send digital coupons to those who leave them untouched for the whole, interminable length of a film. These coupons can then be exchanged for discounts on tickets and concessions, should you still be interested in watching movies when you can't also use your phone. If you can even call that "watching movies."

Of course, some would say that "not being an inconsiderate shit-stain who embodies everything wrong with the selfish, solipsistic, attention-deficit-addled society in which we live now" is its own reward. But then, these people are just wraiths and specters floating around your orbit, the rise and fall of their chattering forming the orchestral score of your own personal movie. Get your popcorn coupons, at least.

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