Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Christopher Walken has never sent an email

Illustration for article titled Christopher Walken has never sent an email
Photo: Theo Wargo/NBC/Getty Images (Getty Images)

Wouldn’t it be badass to be Christopher Walken, even if only for a day? Not to gaze out at the world through those piercing blue eyes of his, or to possess one of the greatest acting gifts in modern movie history, or even to low-key be an expert dancer. No, after popping by The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, we think it’d be incredible to momentarily become Walken, just so we wouldn’t know the misery that is the internet.

Last night, talked to Walken spoke with Colbert via Zoom as part of the PR rounds for his new (very WTF) film, Wild Mountain Thyme. Near the beginning of the interview, Walkennow 77-years-old, because time is a cruel goddamn mistressconfessed that he needed some help with the technological logistics of their meetup.

“Somebody had to come and set this up because I don’t have a cellphone or a computer,” Walken explained, which doesn’t take a huge stretch of the imagination, if we’re being honest.

“Why don’t you have one? Are you morally, philosophically, emotionally opposed [to them]?” asked Colbert. “No no, I just got to it too late. I think I’m right at a certain age where it just passed me by,” he says, somehow convincingly waving away the entirety of modern mass communication within the span of a single sentence.

Advertisement

“Okay...so, you’ve never emailed? Never texted? Never been on Twitter?” tries Colbert, to which Walken answers all with a succinct, “No,” before adding that, when he is supplied with a phone on a film set, he’ll have other people dial numbers for him.

And you know what? God bless him for it. Because all that can only mean one thing: Somewhere out there, there’s a handful of people who have had their mindless doomscrolling suddenly interrupted by a random phone call. Perhaps they are annoyed by the sudden interference, or maybe they’re even a bit relieved to be temporarily freed from their digital shackles. Either way, this select group of lucky individuals answered the call, only to hear something along the lines of “Hello...this is...Christopher Walken.” You’re supposed to read that in his trademark voice, but as we have just realized, even the written word is unworthy of Walken’s presence.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).

Share This Story

Get our newsletter