Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Choo-choo! All aboard the Oscars express!

Illustration for article titled Choo-choo! All aboard the Oscars express!
Photo: Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic (Getty Images)

The awards shows... they are happening. Despite an ongoing pandemic that hindered the very industries they exist to evaluate, the awards shows are awkward, haphazard, and weird as hell, but honey they are thriving. With the cursed production that was the Golden Globes now safely behind us, in what our brains perceive as “the past,” we turn our attention to the 2021 Academy Awards, or as it’s known more colloquially in The Industry, the Oscars. Where will this event take place? How many famous people will be there? Should we judge the ones who attend? Which owner of a small printing business will become wealthy off making cardboard cutouts of absent celebrities to sit in the audience between the actual celebrities who are present? Who will host this thing? Will there be a host? Will it be Dr. Anthony Fauci or Kevin Hart? We simply do not know.

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But according to Deadline, we may know the where of it all: Union Station in Los Angeles. Yes, as in the railway. You know, where Thomas the Tank Engine and Pete Buttigieg live. Lovingly described by Deadline as “cavernous,” Union Station is said to be the location currently preferred by ABC and the Academy, as their usual spot—the Dolby Theatre-is off the table due to it generally being a very bad idea to stage large gatherings indoors, what with the pandemic and all. Speaking of which, Deadline seems very preoccupied with whether or not attendees will be required to wear masks, commenting, “It would be a [sic] far more visually appealing if masks weren’t part of the fashion.” Mhm, yes, there’s nothing hot about protecting yourself and those around you from contracting a highly-contagious virus that has killed hundreds of thousands of people.

An argument could be made that the Oscars should just lean super hard into the COVID-19 aesthetic. Have those bored-ass rich celebs wear Met Gala-level designer masks and face shields. Shift to a Golden Globes model with dinner tables inside giant plastic bubbles. Jake Gyllenhaal can do a bit. He loves a bit. Everyone eats paninis. Jack Nicholson receives his second vaccination LIVE from Union Station. Lady Gaga sings (a Gaga performance comes standard with a pandemic event package; the opt-out is costly).

Honestly this would be way more fun than whatever musical number they’re probably trying to coordinate in a train station Bradley Cooper right now.