Chance The Snapper, Chicago’s favorite carnivorous reptile, has been found. After spending about a week swimming around the Humboldt Park Lagoon, evading all efforts to catch him, the alligator’s Ferris Buellerian time off from the daily grind was brought to an end last night by an animal control expert named Frank Robb who flew in from—surprise, surprise—Florida.
Within 24 hours of his arrival, Robb demonstrated not only that people from the Sunshine State are the best dang gator-wranglers in the country, but that, prehistoric apex predator or not, Chance will live forever in Chicago’s heart as one of the cutest cold-blooded killers ever seen.
This is not lost on local news. With the day starting, reporters gathered to hear further details on Chance’s capture through a full-on goddamned alligator-themed press conference. It opened with praise for local authorities working together to capture the creature and reminders not to keep alligators as pets—even though Chance was called “a beautiful, beautiful alligator.”
Florida Robb, in baseball cap and giant beard, came out to share the details of his work, telling us that Chance is, in fact, a male, about 5'3,” and was captured unharmed early this morning.
“Everyone’s got different blessings,” Robb, reptile blood coursing through his Southern veins, said when asked why he was able to catch Chance when the previous expert on the case—a local called Alligator Bob—could not. Robb then unveiled the majestic little beast, cradling Chance in his arms and presenting him to a frothing crowd of gator-mad photographers.
Now that Chance has been taken from his beloved lagoon and is on his way to a new home at the zoo, he will begin assuming the form of local myth. Armed with an adorable face, his burgeoning legend, and, uh, powerful jaws filled with sharp teeth, Chance will only become more famous in the years to come as Chicagoans spread the tale of The Gator Summer Of ‘19 to future generations.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to firstname.lastname@example.org