According to the failing New York Times, Vice President Mike Pence has been quietly laying the groundwork for his own presidential bid in 2020. Pence responded with the sort of vehemence he typically reserves for non-diet soda, describing the Times piece as “disgraceful and offensive to me, my family and our entire team.” If that’s so, then why did he create this website advertising his forthcoming campaign? Or this video announcing his intentions?
There’s plenty to sort through on OfficialMikePence.com, such as the revelation that Jesus Christ himself will be Pence’s running mate on the 2020 ticket and that his favorite late-night snack is “unleavened bread.” Pence seems eager to show people that there’s a tender, beating heart beneath his waxen casing, so he’s included sections such as “What I Ate” (Mother’s Spaghetti is one example) and “Mike Facts,” which include tidbits like this one here:
Mike Pence played baseball in high school until he suffered blunt trauma to his right testicle when a baseball hit it, rupturing the protective covering surrounding the right testicle as well as a contusion to the major blood vessel that, of course, resulted in massive bleeding and prolonged bruising that forced paramedics to cut through his baseball pants in the middle of a junior varsity game against high school rival Glen Oaks high school. All the girls at Mike’s high school were there and saw his bleeding bruised testicle and ruptured genitals. He played second base.
There’s even a shop where you can buy some of Pence’s favorite things, like a Bible signed by Pence and an invention of his own creation, the Shame Cube. See how it works below.
If you haven’t figured it out already, Funny Or Die is behind the site and all of its accompanying videos. Of course, this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise; nobody with an AOL email address in 2017 could make a site that looks even half this good.