On the third Monday of February, Americans come together to celebrate the birthdays of George Washington (February 22, 1732) and Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809) in an honorary show of respect for the men who have held the office of the presidency, a list which now includes Donald Trump, the racist grifter who tapped into a deep well of American nihilism and accidentally tricked enough economically disaffected people to win the gig. He hates it already. It is a notoriously wearying job, steering the future of a vast, diverse populace, as well as upholding the unshakable ideals of liberty, freedom from tyranny, and the principles of a representative democracy, and Donald Trump hates all of that shit. The four-year term has hardened some men and made others stumble, and it has also, in just one month, seemingly fried the few circuits remaining in senile reality punchline Donald Trump’s brain, a psychological unraveling that poses a threat not just to the stability of our country but indeed the entire geopolitical landscape. Happy Presidents Day.
Normally, you would celebrate by taking a day off and watching Dexter or something. Today, if not protesting, please explore this voluminous catalog of realistic—and often real—fart sounds. The Free Sound database, typically used to create soundtracks for films, contains almost one thousand different farts, all available for use via Creative Commons licensing. Fascinatingly, the vast majority appear to be real farts, recorded by a human being who shoved a microphone adjacent to their ass while ripping a big one. On the first page, the 3-star “fart.wav” contains the caption “me farting in the microphone,” and it is a tight blast of bass-heavy flatulence. The highest rated overall is “fart 2.mp3,” a quick burst of air about which user BeenieBomb raves “This is so good.” More than 16,000 people have download “MY FART.wav,” which creator IFartinUrGeneral describes as “Yet another maggot gagging fart from my bowels.” Indeed, it is a well-recorded bomb of gaseous discharge, an atomic explosion rivaled only by the sorts of actual atomic explosions our president seems practically giddy for the opportunity to create.
Farts made by the user’s mouth or hands are noted as such in the database; taken at face value then, this is the chamber of toxic farts a day like today deserves. If you are celebrating the federal holiday with a day off, please take time to explore this database of wet fecal discharges in honor of the wet fecal discharge we call our president.
[via reader Sean Cox]