Julie Chen

Big Brother, the televised equivalent of the need to take a shower, is coming back. And no one could be more excited than the new contestants, because they are the only humans left on Earth still excited by the possibility of being on Big Brother. CBS has released the names and descriptions of the 14 people chosen to live inside a suffocating nightmare of constant surveillance and cheap emotional button-pushing, and it’s exactly as uninformative as you might imagine.

Oh, look, there’s John, 27, and a dentist from Scranton! He might be fun! And over here we’ve got Liz, a 23-year-old marketing coordinator living in Miami! She is almost certainly someone with the potential to be worth watching. Let’s not forget Jace, the personal trainer; Audrey, the digital media consultant; and Steve, the college student. All of these listings tell you nothing outside of their ages and jobs, which, as anyone knows, is definitely the best way to learn about someone’s personality and individual quirks. May as well close up the betting on who will win, because we’ve got all the information we need right here.

Big Brother 17 starts with a two-night premiere on June 24-25. America’s exhaustion with the doubtless forthcoming “shocking” reveal of one of the houseguests’ casual racism, sexism, homophobia, and/or other appalling opinions exploited in the name of ratings will presumably set in around five minutes later.