Now that angry justice has been served, the autopsy photos and strippers are all packed away, and discussion of Michael Jackson’s death has achieved some sense of resolution, sort of, we can at last get back to honoring Jackson’s memory by salvaging his life for parts then selling them off piece by piece. And you won’t find a better collection of discarded Michael Jackson pieces than the now-abandoned Beverly Hills mansion where he died, which is now on the market, along with every eerily preserved, Jackson-touched thing inside it.
For big, creepy spenders, the house itself is currently going for $23.5 million, which buys you a pool and spa, a private movie theater with “velvet-clad loveseats,” a wine cellar with tasting rooms that you can make pedophile jokes in, and six bedrooms—or rather, five bedrooms, and one room where Michael Jackson died and you sing “Ben” and hold candelight vigils, or whatever it is you do when you buy Michael Jackson’s death house. Although it doesn’t quite have the magical, stunted-childlike wonder of Neverland Ranch, what with its lack of Ferris wheels, zoo animals, and special rooms that are our secret, perhaps you can ask for these things to be put in during the negotiation process. After all, the house has had a hard time selling due to the infamy of its association with Jackson’s death—at least, according to its current owner, Ed Hardy CEO Hubert Guez, who bemoans all the attention it’s received from gawkers. “Come on guys, that’s just tacky,” said Ed Hardy CEO Hubert Guez, in our blogger dreams.
However, if you truly want to preserve Michael Jackson’s aura so you can breathe it every day and eventually make a little Michael Jackson in your lungs, you’ll also need to purchase all the Michael Jackson Death Dream House accessories, sold separately. These include the Michael Jackson Death mirror where Jackson scrawled an inspirational message to himself, Michael Jackson Death chairs smeared with traces of his makeup, and the actual queen-sized Michael Jackson Death bed, where Michael Jackson died. Unfortunately, according to TMZ, the linens have already been changed, as clearly some people just don’t know how to honor Michael Jackson’s memory properly.