Befitting the epicurean lifestyle he has cultivated, Jay Z has partnered with many brands over the years—ranging from designer fragrances to cigars to private jets to lossless audio streaming services—that allow others to experience a small taste of what it’s like to be one of the world’s wealthiest musicians and entrepreneurs. Among the most successful of these ventures is his Armand de Brignac champagne brand, whose newest edition, Blanc de Noirs Assemblage Two, will retail at $850 a bottle, a worthwhile indulgence that will allow you to savor some of the finest sparkling wine ever produced, before your body converts it into urine.
Assemblage Two, nicknamed A2, “features pinot noir grapes picked from the 2008, 2009, and 2010 vintages,” Bloomberg reports, creating a flavor profile that is distinctively fruit-forward, augmented by subtle notes of peppermint, and ideal for pouring into your esophagus so it can begin its journey through the stomach and small intestine, where it will be broken down into water and carbon dioxide by your liver.
A2 also said to have a “refreshing undertone,” its $850 bubbles ideal for coating the inside of a mouth that’s seen a reduction in saliva, whether due to extenuating factors such as living in a dry climate or advanced age, or even a more serious condition such as chronic xerostomia. In the case of the latter, you may want to consult a doctor, as this could be a symptom of a larger issue such as Sjögren’s syndrome (an autoimmune disorder affecting moisture-producing glands in the body). But whatever the reason, it can temporarily be alleviated by dousing your tongue in Jay Z’s $850 champagne.
As with all of the Armand de Brignac line, A2 will be released with an eye toward design, the shiny gun-metal bottle adorned with its distinctive “Ace of Spades” logo in hand-hammered pewter, and fitted with its signature hole that you can pour liquid out of, either into another glass or directly into an orifice. Once this bottle is empty, it can then be recycled at a glass treatment plant, where it will be sorted by color and washed to remove any impurities before being crushed, melted, and molded into new glass products such as jars or other bottles. The glass can also be adapted for alternative purposes such as brick manufacture or decorative uses.
Here’s a short video on the process that you may find illuminating:
The A2 is said to be not markedly different from the A1, which was released in 2015 to acclaim from critics who named it the best Blanc de Noirs in the world, and who noted that it more than held its own against the best champagnes currently available—albeit one suited for the more refined oenophile who could appreciate its myriad nuances on its way to excretion. However, the A1 was notably cheaper at a mere $750, which means it was basically fetid sewer water drained from a Turkish bathhouse frequented by pus-ridden dysenterics, and should not be used for anything more than unclogging sinks or splashing into the eyes of your more assertive street urchins. Woe betide those who allow this $750 fruit slurry to besmirch their urethra! You may as well be sucking the sweat off a middle-aged gym teacher’s nutsack, you fucking faux-riche gutter-rat! Christ, you make me fucking sick! I’d vomit but you’d probably try to scoop it into a Game Of Thrones commemorative goblet and drink that too! Fucking peasant!
The A2 is on sale beginning April 18, but alas, only 2,333 bottles will be released, meaning you’d better hurry if you want to piss $850 champagne, just like Jay Z.