Feel free to insert some variation on a “cuff ‘em” joke as the BBC reports that police in the Southeastern English county of Kent are investigating the theft of a copy of EL James’ new book. Apparently, employees of James’ publisher, Random House, alerted the authorities after discovering that a copy of Grey—a retelling of the story of Fifty Shades Of Grey from kinky millionaire Christian Grey’s perspective—had gone missing Monday, a week before the book’s scheduled release date of June 18. The fear is that the thief may sell excerpts from the book to media, leak the entire book online, or, even worse, return it to to the Random House offices all tattered and sticky with God knows what. Police have refused to comment on what is currently an ongoing investigation, but The A.V. Club suggests they start by checking in the nightstands and under the mattresses of every fortysomething woman in the area.