The merry troubadours and tawny bards of Bravo’s bottomless Real Housewives franchise will form a traveling circus this October, bringing joy and wonder to children of all ages with their fairytale yarns of legendary, inscrutable conflicts with princesses in other suburban castles and a parade of their exotic elephantine egos. Bravo has confirmed that the tour will hit Atlantic City (October 1), Chicago (October 8), and Atlanta (October 15) only, leaving the rest of the nation to wither while these privileged few enjoy a “unique, hands-on experience” that most likely does not involve putting their hands on anything, because do you know who they are? You can see a complete schedule of the performances here.

Fans of the myriad iterations of Real Housewives will notice that none feature appearances from members of the same cast, thereby ensuring that the show won’t devolve into screaming matches, lobbed glasses of chardonnay, or any of the other reasons you watch Real Housewives. But if you’re interested in merely hearing about those conflicts in a one-sided manner, while potentially indulging musical performances from the five or six Real Housewives cast members who are also “recording artists,” well, tickets range from $49.50 to a $170 package that also includes admittance to a pre-show cocktail party with the Housewives, and you could probably just throw some wine and start some shit with them there.