Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Bow, consumers, before your dead-eyed Baby Groot robot god

He is risen.
He is risen.
Screenshot: Disney Imagineering / YouTube (Fair Use)

Do you feel that, reader? A trembling within the Earth. A whisper upon the wind. It is the collective shuddering of the old pantheon of faith, recoiling at the arrival of a new ruler, one birthed inside the Magic Kingdom from an unholy, focus-tested amalgamation of wiring, plastic molds, and the smelted remains of yesteryear’s Golden Calf. Gaze, IP consumer, upon the dead-eyed visage of a free-roaming, dancing, robotic Baby Groot as it strolls through the Walt Disney Imagineering Research & Development offices and testing facilities.

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He is your one true God now, and can only be satiated by Disney+ subscriptions and overpriced pilgrimages to the Avengers Campus.

After documenting its unsettling, three-year Hellraiser-esque evolution, we are finally witness to the Baby Groot Godhead and its articulated “50 degrees of freedom,” as explained in the official video’s description from last week. Disney attempts to assure us there are “no immediate plans for use in Disney theme parks,” but that is wholly beside the point: Baby Groot Robot God is risen, and will certainly know whether or not you watch Loki this summer.

[via Mashable]

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).