Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
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A child’s scream is powerful. High-pitched and shrill as a squeaking dolphin or angry cat, it serves to alert everyone in the area that a kid is either on the verge of murder or no longer in possession of their L.O.L. doll. Still, for all the might a normal toddler can summon with their regular little lungs, none we’ve ever seen before is as incredible as the one captured below who, with a single shriek, can summon a goddamned attack bird.


Twitter’s @Apex_sH posted the clip with no explanation other than that his “niece has her bird trained to attack anyone she screams at.” True to this description, the extremely brief, gorgeously paced clip shows only a friendly-looking kid smiling at the camera before summoning her companion with a piercing noise and clenched little fists. The cameraperson, face suddenly full of talons and feathers, screams too.

How this child conditioned her pet to instantaneously obey her directions like some bloodbound hell beast is anyone’s guess. Perhaps she was born of humankind but was temporarily abducted and raised by a falcon, fostering a psychic link with all birds as she was fed regurgitated worms in a mountaintop nest. Maybe she’s a government experiment, spliced with avian DNA as the prototype of a secret super soldier program. Or, most likely, birds are just nuts and should never be trusted around kids whose ear-splitting screams might prompt them to attack you.

Whatever the case, tread carefully around children in the future. Who knows which of them may command nature itself.


Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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