Here we sit, an undecided nation, desperate for the facts that will inform our vote on November 3. Just kidding. If you claim to not know who you’re voting for after four years of this chaos, your joke isn’t funny. Last night’s debate was what anyone who’s been paying attention expected: Trump bulldozing two people who still think shit like “decency” and “decorum” matter to the modern voter. Pundits called it everything from an “embarrassment” to a “hot mess inside a dumpster fire inside a trainwreck.” The guy who wrote Fantastic Four said it was worse than Fantastic Four. Mark Hamill said it was worse than the Star Wars Holiday Special. “It was the worst thing I have ever experienced and I made out with a duck,” said Howard The Duck’s Lea Thompson.
It doesn’t end here, however. Despite there being no good case for having more of these, there will be more of these. And Trump will continue to play both the bully and the victim—per the tweets of both the president and his flunkies, the talking point is that he was being attacked by moderator Chris Wallace, who, in reality, was rendered comically inert by Trump’s constant interruptions. His sad cries of “Mr. President, please” landed like a loogies on a tidal wave.
Biden, meanwhile, is going with the “get a load of this guy” approach online after doing his best to withstand Hurricane Trump during the debate. After a series of measured tweets in which he defended his children and called out the president’s inability to disavow white supremacists, he shared a brief video in which a crying emoji is planted over Trump’s face as a baby squeals in the background. (He’s also already selling “Will you shut up, man?” shirts.)
One wishes he’d bare his teeth a bit more and demonstrate any kind of grasp of the “avalanche of repeat lies” Trump was vomiting onstage, but we’ll take what we can get.