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Beyoncé's Illuminati-worshiping Coachella performance, decoded

Photo: Kevin Mazur (Getty Images)

The audacity of Illuminati celebrities knows no bounds. Even after they’ve been caught making triangle hands and eating babies or whatever, they just keep going, revealing the darkest secrets of their notoriously secretive order by constantly referencing it in public performances. No current bipedal-lizard-in-highly-realistic-skinsuit is guiltier of this flaunting of power than the great entertainer and hidden threat to the very concept of free will Beyoncé, as made clear in her recent Coachella performance.

While others have discussed the look and sound of a set that the blind cattle among us might assume was meant to focus on both looking and sounding good, internet truth-seekers have decoded the real meaning behind Beyoncé’s work: displaying and wearing symbols that help people remember she’s out to help establish the New World Order.


The clues, if you’re looking for them, come fast and furious. Take, for example, Beyoncé making a circle over her eye:

You see that shit? Terrifying stuff. Your ordinary sleepwalker would miss the reference, but those of us in the know realize that making a little circle around your eye is happening everywhere out there in the the wild, satanic world of celebrities.

If that’s not enough to knock your socks off, consider one of Beyoncé’s costume choices. Egyptian symbolism? We all know there’s only one reason to wear anything with Egyptian motifs! The Illuminati.


Pick your jaw up off the floor if you still can. There’s one last detail to mention: Beyoncé’s super evil ring.


Enter this realm of the conversation and it becomes clear that this conspiracy goes deeper than the depths of hell itself—where, of course, Beyoncé and Jay-Z live with their daughter Blue Ivy AKA Born Living Under Evil, Illuminati’s Very Youngest. Regardless of the quality of the songs, the incredible work that went into their performance, and the significance of Beyoncé’s set, which marked (and celebrated) the first time a black woman has headlined Coachella, there’s really only one takeaway here: secret societies are real and they’re here to fuck up your world.

Congratulations on the performance, Queen B. Long may your reign extend over all of the sheep marching onward to the glorious slaughter of the Illuminati’s master plan.


Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

[via The Daily Dot]


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About the author

Reid McCarter

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.