Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Beyoncé to send you plants in the mail to eat

Illustration for article titled Beyoncé to send you plants in the mail to eat

As a carbon-based celebrity lifeform, Beyoncé is well-versed in many things, such as songwriting, performing, marketing, being married to famous rappers, and breaking down food into the nutrients required to sustain celebrity life. Now she has expanded on that expertise by also instructing people on the ability of plants to be consumed as that food, launching a new service that will send you vegetables in the mail, personally delivered by Beyoncé(’s indirectly endorsed courier). You can then chew those vegetables with your mouth and digest them—just like R&B superstar Beyoncé does. You can also pay a lot of money for the privilege, for the full Beyoncé experience.

In the press release announcing the “22 Days Nutrition plant-based home delivery meal service,” Beyonce reminds everyone that she herself once embarked on a diet of meals that were based on plants for 22 days, way back in 2013. The program was so life-changing that—a mere two years of sometimes eating plants and not just placing them in aesthetically pleasing arrangements around heaps of meat later—she’s ready to partner with her personal “exercise physiologist,” Marco Borges, to show the world that “all you have to do is try. If I can do it, anyone can.”

Indeed, if Beyoncé and her trainers and her chefs and her assistants can do it for 22 days one time, anyone can. You don’t even necessarily need your own private exercise physiologist, since Beyoncé is already lending hers to you. All you will need is between $9.76 and $16.50 to spend per meal, one to three times per day, totaling a minimum of $644 for the duration of the 22-day diet, and much more beyond that if you still somehow haven’t impressed her.


Granted, you could attempt to find some plants yourself. But plants don’t grow on plants, you know—at least, not the plants that can be fashioned into gluten-, soy-, and dairy-free meals that have a loose association with Beyoncé. And there is always the risk of your gnawing on, say, deadly nightshade, which Beyoncé has not endorsed, which would be incredibly embarrassing. Better to just have some plants sent to you in a program that, as the press release promises, “takes away all the guesswork” of what plants can be bought at a premium from Beyoncé.

[via Time]

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