Baby Nut has been a thorn in our goddamn sides since he first showed up back in February. While Planters introduced their infant legume as the heir to Mr. Peanut’s dead, dried up husk, he quickly became viewed as the harbinger of 2020's sad, rotten, cursed plague world. We have no place for him in our society, and he must leave immediately.
Sadly, Planters still doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo, since yesterday they tweeted out a promise of a “big day” for their mascot. It did little to sway an already livid populace teetering on the brink of chaos. “I wish you were in jail,” replied one Twitter user. “Baby nut I will crush you with my bare hands,” threatened another.
So, just what was the major news revealed from Planters? This morning, Baby Nut emerged from its leafy chrysalis as a 21-year-old boozehound named Peanut Jr.
And everyone still hates him.
No matter what the nut’s next evolution will be—43-year old QAnon grifter who sells pool supplies?—we eagerly anticipate the invective with which it’s met.
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