Yesterday, the Australian media inadvertently spoiled the plot of Pirates Of The Caribbean 5 by reporting that the government had stumbled upon Johnny Depp’s contraband stash of Yorkshire terriers, then setting off a race against the clock before the dogs would be euthanized (and turned into ghost puppies for Pirates Of The Caribbean 6). As it turns out, the resulting international incident—which roped in numerous other Australian politicians, sparked a social media furor, and inspired a Change.org petition that amassed nearly 20,000 signatures—may have been a tad excessive.
Depp’s dogs, Pistol and Boo, have since left Australia aboard a private jet, escaping the executioner’s axe in the nick of time, to name just one of the in-flight movies they will be forced to watch. Imagine the climactic scene of Argo, except with Yorkshire terriers. Refrain from saying Arf-go. Puns are the rabies of comedy.
Australian minister of agriculture Barnaby Joyce—who could hereafter personally raise a thousand kangaroos in a pouch he has grafted to his own stomach, yet will forever be known as “The Guy Who Tried To Kill Johnny Depp’s Dogs”—issued an official statement on the matter, saying the terriers had been escorted from Depp’s Gold Coast residence, “exported back to their country of origin,” and that the “necessary export documentation” had been issued to “facilitate the repatriation.”
In an unofficial statement, Joyce said this, ignoring our own strict pun quarantine:
Proving that Australian politicians are way more fun than just about any other nation’s, Joyce also appeared on the talk show The Project, where he gamely played along—but also reiterated that no one is immune from the country’s strict biosecurity laws, no matter how sexy they are.
He had a slightly more heated exchange with radio “shock jock” Kyle Sandilands, who called Joyce “an absolute clown” and said of his threats to Depp, “You’re a government minister, not some idiot off the street mouthing off to a news camera. Have some decency.” Joyce responded, “Jeez Kyle, that seems interesting coming from you, mate. You’re a savage little man, aren’t you?” Off the air, Joyce directed his assistant to have Sandilands put down.
While this seems to put an end to the immediate danger that was never actually faced by a wealthy movie star who has private jets to ferry his small dogs like so many hats across the ocean, there’s still the matter of a “hefty fine” and a “formal interview,” which Depp will have to undergo with quarantine officers. That investigation is intended to discover how the dogs were smuggled into Australia in the first place. Depp is expected to smile mysteriously from behind purple-tinted sunglasses, extend his hand, skull rings clacking, and silently sweep it across the opulent expanse of his mansion as if to say, “What dogs?” Such is the magic of Johnny Depp.