Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

At long last, someone finally won American Ninja Warrior

Illustration for article titled At long last, someone finally won iAmerican Ninja Warrior/i

Well, it’s taken seven seasons and untold numbers of protein shakes, but someone has finally won American Ninja Warrior. Isaac Caldiero, a busboy and rippling Adonis of a man, completed the third stage of the obstacle course and ascended the 75-foot rope climb that serves as the final challenge, thereby crowning himself America’s very first champion and winner of $1 million. He also earns the lifetime right to claim he is raw as fuck, so you shouldn’t even test him, son.


If you’ve never seen the show, this might not seen that impressive, but here’s the thing: No one has ever made it to the end before. The previous six seasons all ended without a victor being crowned, because the final stage was simply too difficult for anyone to complete. Surprisingly, not only Caldiero, but another competitor, Geoff Britten, both finished the course on last night’s finale, but since Caldiero climbed that insane rope challenge 3.6 seconds faster, he wins. Britten, by comparison, will forever be known as a “second-place finisher” in history, his name lost to the sands of time, like that guy who invented the telephone at the same time as Alexander Graham Bell. Basically, he’s a total wuss, is what we’re saying. We could probably take him in a physical challenge—3.6 seconds slower, please.

Watch the video below, and marvel at the badass-ness of Caldiero.

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