Before living Foursquare feed Ashton Kutcher can become the mayor of space, he must tend to his earthly dominion—a rich and arable field of creative opportunities that continue to bloom for Kutcher, particularly where the weather is mild and middling and the soil is fertilized with bullshit. For instance, Variety reports that Kutcher is now attached to star as Steve Jobs in the upcoming indie biopic Jobs, which will repay the late Apple founder and visionary for his years of innovation by chronicling his evolution from “wayward hippie” to “revered creative entrepreneur,” mostly by shaving Ashton Kutcher’s head.
The film from Swing Vote director Joshua Michael Stern is not to be confused with the other upcoming Steve Jobs biopic, the one based on Walter Isaacson’s authorized bio (and potentially boasting an Aaron Sorkin script), and not based on the fact that Steve Jobs sort-of used to have Ashton Kutcher’s hair. Or, to put it in Variety’s terms, Kutcher deserves to become “the King of Apple” because he is “the King Of Twitter,” in the sense that he now oversees a vast feudal system of serfs who farm his thoughts for him, and thus he and Jobs are very similar because computers.
Before that, of course, there’s the small, wildly expensive matter of a tenth season of Two And A Half Men, which co-creator Lee Aronsohn insists is all but a done deal, provided the network can write the necessary “big check” to keep Kutcher around. According to Aronsohn, bringing Kutcher back would not only validate the creative resurgence the show has allegedly experienced by bringing in Kutcher, it would help to solidify a stronghold against what Aronsohn perceives as a coming tipping point in the battle of the stereotyped sitcom sexes represented by Whitney and Two Broke Girls et al. “Enough ladies. I get it. You have periods,” said the man who has mined 10 years of dick innuendo for canned laughs. “We’re approaching peak vagina on television, the point of labia saturation,” Aronsohn continued, both by way of arguing why Two And A Half Men should remain on the air and offering compelling argument as to why it shouldn’t. Indeed, enough labias; more asses, please.