In open, flagrant defiance of the gods themselves, an ice cream sandwich tossed into the grass on Friday afternoon refuses to melt. Accidentally tossed to the earth by a careless grandchild, the “vanilla” “sandwich” has sat in direct sunlight through a string of 80-degree days. The grandmother who initially witnessed the fell beast’s descent to the earth presumed that a cat or bird or dog or perhaps an ant might suffer to eat the treat, but no. All recoil in terror at the heresiarch of the dairy aisle, which scorns the sun itself.
The impudent, unyielding treat recalls previous such usurpers to the natural order, from the 2014 Cincinnati ice cream sandwich that similarly refused to melt to Lucifer, the angel of heaven who refused to kneel. “Better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven,” the proud son of the morning said to the Judeo-Christian god, just as the makers of these ice cream bars decided, “better to include calcium sulfate and guar gum than to include actual fat or cream,” in their delicious dessert bars. In a statement to Munchies, the producers of the ice cream bar touted their “very simple, commonly-used food techniques that help slow the melting process,” a set of techniques that, over time, will lead the bar to not melt but rather evaporate, leaving behind a foamlike substance. If you press your ear close to the foam, you can hear it scream.