In one of 2020's most powerful collaborations, it seems the Illuminati and the Dark Lord Satan Himself have come together in a grand conspiracy to undermine the good work of their eternal enemies, InfoWars’ ham-golem Alex Jones and televangelism’s premier hate-grandpa Jim Bakker. These two men—giants in their respective brands of apocalyptic grifting—have been asked by the (no doubt reptilian-controlled) government bodies of their nation to stop providing the masses with “cures” for coronavirus, like magic toothpaste and bottles of miracle liquid.
The Verge’s Jon Porter reported on the order given to Jones, which came in the form of New York attorney general Letitia James telling him to stop claiming that products he sells, like the Superblue Toothpaste, are capable of “[killing] the whole SARS-corona family at point-blank range.” James called Jones’ sales pitch an “incredibly dangerous” method of “[profiting] off of New Yorkers’ anxieties” and warned him that “my office will not hesitate to take legal action” if “these unlawful violations do not cease immediately.”
Elsewhere, the seals broke open, spilling out swarms of locusts, multi-headed dragons, and the Missouri Attorney General’s Office upon the beleaguered prophet, Jim Bakker. Bakker, known for selling buckets of survival slop so the righteous can keep on eating during the End Of Days, has been fulfilling his godly mission lately by advertising a “Silver Solution” that his show says has “been tested on other strains of the coronavirus and has been able to eliminate it within 12 hours.” Bakker believes the Solution was given to him by god so he could, Christ-like, pass it on to those in need for $80 or more. After Missouri officials told him to knock it off, others from New York, the FDA, and the FTC followed suit.
Jones and Bakker are no strangers to getting in shit with the law, but the two are impossible to stop for long. No matter what demons spew forth from the bowels of hell or the depths of Bohemian Grove, Jones and Bakker press on, determined to help their loyal audiences by taking their money in return for poisonous ideas and useless vats of goop. Still, considering how well Jones has handled setbacks like getting banned from Twitter in the past, we imagine the government’s crackdown on his income is bothering him at least a little bit.
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