Freshwater paramecium Kara DioGuardi may no longer be absorbing the opinions and mannerisms of others through her vacuole and synthesizing them into a personality on American Idol, but that doesn’t mean she can’t continue creating the illusion of having things to say by writing a memoir while people still vaguely recognize her name. According to RadarOnline, DioGuardi will release A Helluva High Note: Surviving Life, Love, And American Idol, which promises to “set the record straight about what life was really like working with Simon Cowell and her fellow judges,” such as the fact that Simon Cowell was mean sometimes, and also how she probably felt pressure in the wake of Paula Abdul’s departure, and then there was that time she got into a fight with Bikini Girl, remember that? Things you may have already seen or surmised, in other words, but put into flowery memoir prose “meant to inspire others to take chances to succeedibcjbksnmsnjnkjdnkjnc. Sorry, I have this rare condition where my hands go numb at the first hint of grandiose, self-serving platitudes. It’s why I could never watch last season of American Idol while eating dinner. Anyway, Helluva High Note will debut on April 11, and hopefully we’re going to make Nathan Rabin read it. Someone should, right? They went to the trouble of printing it out and all.