Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

American Idol inspires jealousy, hatred and revulsion even when it's not on TV

Around here, there are two schools of thought about the upcoming 10th season of American Idol:  those who will continue to not watch it as they have not watched it for the previous decade, and those who can't wait for it to start to see what a huge clusterfuck it will be with only powerhouse ex-Journey bassist Randy Jackson remaining as an original judge.  However, Idol remains one of the most popular, highly-rated shows on television, and events are transpiring to make the upcoming clusterfuck even clusterfuckier than anticipated.

To kick things off, Adam Lambert, America's blowsiest male homosexual, will be the subject of an E! True Hollwood Story, a feat usually reserved for people who have actually accomplished something.  Amongst the non-revelations contained in the episode: Lambert "was exploring my sexuality a lot more aggressively" and "living a rock star lifestyle" in his early teens, when he was performing musical theater aboard cruise ships.  If there's one thing everyone associates with the rock star lifestyle, it's cruise ships.  The show will also feature Lambert whining — excuse us, "examining the speculation" — about losing American Idol to Kris Allen.


'80s dance-pop sensation/Laker girl co-star Paula Abdul won the heart of a nation with her drunken, shaky behavior on American Idol, only to leave the show amidst a swirl of ugly rumors and home-made jewelry.  Now she's back, and MTV reports she's aiming a dagger right at the heart of her former employer in the form of a new reality competition, Live To Dance — which will air directly opposite American Idol.  The show, a season-long dance-off where contestants vie for a half-million-dollar prize, is described by the non-delusional Abdul as "unlike any other show of its kind", distinguishing itself from So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With The Stars and America's Best Dance Crew by virtue of being hosted by a woman who once shared screen time with a rapping cartoon cat.

Finally, Rolling Stone quotes Kid Rock, a man who knows a thing or two about doing stupid things, as saying that taking a judge's seat on American Idol is "the stupidest thing [Aerosmith's Steven Tyler] has ever done in his life".  Kid Rock, the author of "All Summer Long" and "Cowboy", accuses Tyler of having taken his status as "a sacred American institution of rock 'n' roll" and "threw it all out the window — just stomped on it and set it on fire."  Perhaps Tyler should stick to things more in keeping with the rebellious spirit of rock, like gratuitous NASCAR product placement, or duping teenagers into joining the military.