Mallrats

Despite making all of us feel bad for making fun of him after we learned he was making Mallrats 2 to honor his dead friend, Kevin Smith isn’t going to just mock himself. Well, actually, he will, and probably in far ruder fashion than we ever could, possibly with fart sounds for emphasis. So today, we continue to bring you the latest in polite Kevin Smith news: The Wrap reports that Smith has now signed on original Mallrats star Jeremy London to return for the sequel. This brings total number of confirmed returning actors to eight, with only four more to go.

The first movie, which we haven’t seen but is presumably a Ratatouille-style comedy about rodents who run a mall, will be the basis for the sequel, which begins some time after the events of the first film. Probably a long time after, given the 20 years that have elapsed since the release of Mallrats in 1995. Smith has now announced that the returning cast includes London, Jason Lee, Shannon Doherty, Ethan Suplee, Jason Mewes, Michael Rooker, and Stan Lee. The eighth returning actor is possibly Smith himself, although there’s a better chance that it’s the psychic with the gross fake extra nipple.

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Smith also recently took to Facebook to provide some hints of where our characters are at now:

After the events of Mallrats, Brodie Bruce and his longtime love Rene were married. The comic book-loving proprietor of Brodie Bruce’s Secret Stash insisted on naming their only child Banner Bruce. #RatsFacts.

See, the fun comes from holding this description up to a mirror, where the child’s name becomes the nom de plume of the Hulk, only hard to read because the letters are all reversed. We’re not sure why Smith would make such an obvious rookie mistake. Still, this isn’t the news we’re waiting for, which is Smith announcing that Ben Affleck will return. It’s just not a mall without a guy who fucks people in a very uncomfortable place, like Iran, or maybe the Batmobile.

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