Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, the day when Americans briefly set aside their differences and come together to celebrate what a great nation this is to get sweaty, buzzed, and overfed in. It’s true that our union of uneasy cohabitation has perhaps never been more tested. There are marches in the streets. There are children being held in prisons down at the borders. Every day brings more news of violence and division, more threats against those basic civil liberties at the foundation of our country—and we can’t even seem to agree on what these headlines are actually saying. Of course we can’t! We couldn’t agree on whether fucking Last Man Standing should have been canceled. A show that, to some, already got six seasons and runs in continuous, 18-hour chunks every day in syndication anyway, is to others a bulwark of conservative values that must be continuously rebuilt, at whatever cost, to epically own the libs. America can’t even unite behind whether we’ve had enough Tim Allen. How can we be expected to put on shorts and get drunk next to one another?
But while it is true that this Fourth of July feels especially tense, if only subtextually, I implore you, my fellow countrymen: Please, don’t let Rob Reiner and Michael Moore launch our civil war tomorrow.
Yes, everyone who watches Twitter was told this week by Alex Jones of this open globalist plot to overthrow America using the cover of Fourth of July, when things are at their most symbolically back-dropped. “The globalists, the multinational corporations, the Chinese communists that fund them—they believe that 2018, July 4, will be the final July Fourth,” Jones said in his first “emergency live transmission” on June 30. It was necessary to forego the usual festoonery you expect from InfoWars, given the obvious urgency of the situation.
“Rob Reiner has called it ‘the final battle in the Civil War,’” Jones declared, quoting the Princess Bride director as he spoke before the grimly serious leftist conclave that is a post-screening Q&A. “Michael Moore on Bill Maher last night called Trump ‘the last American president.’” These war cries, recently also heard across the poppy fields of The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, all presage an immediate, impending, fatally violent overthrow of our government, Jones warns. Tomorrow, millions will take to the streets for a full-on assault, wreaking prescheduled havoc guided by our most revered liberal commanders: filmmakers and frequent talk show guests Rob Reiner and Michael Moore. And this time, unlike the last time, Jones is serious.
If you are a liberal who’s reading this in between stabbing practice dummies down at the camp, we know that the mental image Jones concocts here stirs the blood. You saw all of this in your mind’s eye the moment Alex Jones painted it for you, then added vivid new dialogue in his follow-up broadcast from July 1.
“Surround the Capitol! Surround the Capitol! Uprise!” Jones-as-Michael Moore barks in this common leftist fantasy, the flames of Pennsylvania Ave. reflected in Moore’s Lenscrafters, the snowy soot of its crumbling institutions piling the brim of his Detroit Lions hat. As Moore captains the charge from astride his humanely bred stallion, from the rear comes the unmistakable laugh of Rob Reiner as he pushes another seething mass of Soros-paid useful idiots and Spinal Tap fans to flank the White House, directing the coup with the same skillfulness and empathy he brought to Stand By Me.
“Kidnap Barron Trump! Rape him!” Jones adds mockingly, quickly clarifying, “That’s ‘Pedo’ Fonda—Peter Fonda.” Yes, Peter Fonda is there, too! Everyone important is here!
“Cusack: ‘Firebomb the ICE facilities!’” Jones added. Of course! Only fools would ride into all-out civil war without the steady sabers of John Cusack or Peter Fonda to guide them. Yes, all of our most valuable liberals have stoked these flames, Jones says, their familiar celebrity voices heard even now above the din as they finally unleash their large-scale terrorist actions tomorrow. Actions that are the inevitable escalation, Jones explains, of people being mean to Sarah Sanders in restaurants, all part of a secret globalist plot has been there since before Trump’s inauguration. And as he says, the increasing openness of the plot’s most influential celebrity leaders—along with the arrival of summer, “when riots happen”—can only mean that the day of reckoning is nigh. And you know it’s true, because Jones didn’t even have to do any work to expose it: “I’m not that smart!” Alex Jones bellows.
Liberals, we beg of you as a Soros-funded member of the leftist mainstream media: Stand down tomorrow. Do not follow through on your plans to get up early in the morning, then spend the Fourth of July trucking up to Washington D.C. just so you can get into the streets with a million other people who are also looking to spend their day off smashing the state alongside Michael Moore, Rob Reiner, John Cusack, and Peter Fonda. Resist these calls from your liberal Mount Rushmore!
For one thing, Alex Jones has already uncovered your secret plan—and he’s already rallying his listeners against you. Indeed, they’ll be there even if going to war tomorrow means missing out on the one thing Alex Jones loves more than anything else: eating a hamburger while submerged in water. “This Fourth of July is not about hedonism, it’s not about hamburgers, it’s not about being out on the lake,” Jones says, adding a mournful burp. “God knows I love that.”
Rather, Jones says, it’s about the proudly non-Rob Reiner side of America rushing there to meet you, a bunch of InfoWars listeners missing out on delicious lake-meat to shout, “No!” to communism, socialism, globalism, Sorosism, corporatism, Rumor Has It…, and all the other tools the elite uses to keep the cattle stupefied. And obviously, this means clashes—potentially violent clashes, perpetrated by those blind Antifa dupes who, as Jones reminds, have already been seen throwing eggs and being mean to Tomi Lahren in a different restaurant. Or possibly, we guess, by the very fine people who have to use their god-given rights to stop them, the sort of very fine people who are forced to brandish their guns at prayer circles—but only because they were told repeatedly by Alex Jones and the like that violent, bloodthirsty Michael Moore fans were coming for them.
Either way, Jones said, all this hate and division that’s being sown in the media is intended specifically to “trigger another Charlottesville,”right smack in the middle of tomorrow. And right now, we’re all in danger of falling for it. So thank God Alex Jones was able to warn us about all the evil people we should fear on his internet show.
And now that everyone knows, let us instead spend our Fourth of July the way we always do: with our family and friends, eating a little too much, maybe drinking a little too much, and debating whether to actually go down somewhere to see fireworks or just watch them on TV. Let our only wars be the usual ones over parking spaces, because we waited way too long to drive down to where the fireworks are, and now we’re basically stuck here. Leftists, Antifa, fellow Soros puppets: Lay down the swords you are even now polishing, The Awful Truth Season 1 DVD playing in the background, and let us all agree to delay the leftist coup until at least Sept. 21, the opening night of Michael Moore’s new movie. It has some juicy stuff about Roseanne in it! Surely we can all wait to fill the streets with blood until after we see that.
Tomorrow we are all of us Americans, even if we are divided over which yammering talking head with something to promote we will gladly follow into hell. For one goddamn day, let’s just stop fighting and eat a hamburger on a lake with our dumb mouths. Our mutual path of destruction can wait.