With America now into its tenth month of coronavirus lockdown, some people out there might be forgiven for chucking those stifling safety guidelines and heading out to just one little party. Oh, wait, fuck those people. They’re selfish, stupid, dangerous, privileged, pigheaded, and just the sort of contestants Amber Ruffin and Tarik Davis need for their new game show mocking the murderously irresponsible assholes who, say, flout all common sense medical precautions in order to celebrate a cat’s birthday. (And no, nobody’s making that up on this goddamned planet.)
With Amber playing the part of the sole contestant (the other two having tested positive for COVID), Amber Ruffin Show sidekick and scene partner Tarik Davis came out to host what should be a guaranteed goldmine of a game show. You know, since the only question was “You partying for what now?,” the sole answer on the board consisting of the unanimous consensus of 100 doctors and medical workers. So come on, Amber, you can do this! (Actually, as contestant Amber admitted, she’d cancelled a whole lot of in-person plans to come be on the show, so, well, perhaps you can see where this is going.)
A wedding? [Buzzer sound.] As Davis noted, “A wedding can be postponed or, in a worst-case scenario, done over Zoom.” Well, how about a Christmas party? “Granny didn’t put COVID on the wishlist,” beamed Davis. Um, various family birthday parties? [Buzzer.] Not if your adorable niece wants Pop-Pop to be around for next year’s big day. Amber tried hard with a theoretical graduation party where everyone totally promised to keep six feet apart—which, as Davis noted, would mean they’d have to book the now-defunct Astrodome. Even a possible Taken scenario didn’t fly after Davis’ challenge for Ruffin’s would-be Liam Neeson party crasher to do one single pushup. Man, so what is the only possible reason for an in-person get-together in the midst of a highly infectious global pandemic that’s killed a half-million Americans and seen Los Angeles alone account for over a million COVID cases?
Unveiling the surprisingly wordy answer on the big board, Davis launched into the verbatim transcript of every single one of those medical professionals who have been treating your unmasked dumbass asses for ten goddamned months, ably channeling the breaking-point fury of every doctor and nurse who sees Facebook photos of seemingly functional adults grinning their fool heads off at a freaking Applebees. Or words to that effect. Don’t flunk this question, people. Here’s a study guide.