Halloween, as the news will tell you, is a full-on death trap for trick ‘r treating kids. When nefarious people aren’t busy stuffing razor blades into tiny chocolate bars, they’re apparently wasting their hard-earned THC gummies by handing them out to impressionable youth. Between all of these extremely realistic concerns and the fact that the holiday marks the one day a year that the great lord Satan and his demonic minions roam free across the land, we believe it’s important to revisit a 1985 Halloween safety video to protect at least some fraction of the populace from tonight’s inevitable bloodbath.
Take out your pen and pencil and prepare for Coronet Films, the creators of this important program, to give you life-saving tips, all imparted with remarkable mid-’80s style. A blast of fog and some headbanging floating masks welcome you to the video along with a knock-off “Thriller” soundtrack before it’s time to get down to the serious business of holiday survival. We’re introduced to our narrator, a gentle-voiced cartoon pumpkin, who provides safety advice on activities ranging from how to carve a jack-o’-lantern without slicing off your hand—“Getting my insides scooped out tickles me,” the little pervert says over the footage, giggling—to the danger of wearing clunky, vision-obscuring costumes, entering strangers’ houses, eating tampered candy, or risking the wrath of short-tempered neighbors by wrecking their yards and decorations.
“I think about how much fun Halloween is,” the jack-o’-lantern muses at one point. “I also worry a little bit about the things that can spoil the fun of Halloween. Those kinds of things scare me too, but in a different way.”
Thank god that his fears have inspired the talking vegetable to research and present his findings to the public. Should you and your loved ones manage to survive the night, remember to show gratitude to the talking pumpkins in your life.
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