(Graphic: Nick Wanserski)

Toilets and rock stars can be a bad combination, it’s true. But now that he’s sober, Alice In Chains guitarist Jerry Cantrell seems to have a pretty good handle on the whole thing—so much so that he’s upgrading from a “really nice toilet” to “a REALLY nice toilet.” That’s how the band’s official blogger, who goes by the name “The Baldy” on his Backstage With The Baldy Tumblr, puts it.

See, this “Baldy”—which we’re going to assume is an ironic reference to his long, luscious locks, like a tall guy named “Shorty”—is the lucky recipient of all the luxury perks that accompany following a legacy grunge act around. “Free breakfast in a swanky room on the top floor of a five star hotel with an overly accommodating staff member basically tripping over himself to get me more orange juice? Yes, please,” he humbly brags on his site. He then asks the question on everyones’ minds:

But what about the toilet?

It’s about as simple as it sounds, actually.

Jerry is having the toilet in his home replaced and asked if I wanted the old one.

I’ve done a lot of things in my life, but researching toilets isn’t one of them.

Well, it turns out that there are a wide variety of toilets out there, and much to my surprise, there’s actually a massive price disparity between your average toilet and the really upscale models.

So Jerry is offering to give me a really nice toilet because he’s replacing it with a REALLY nice toilet.

I’m not so sure that once the ham hits the seat that my butt cheeks are discerning enough to know the difference between a regular and fancy toilet though, so I don’t know if I’ll take him up on his offer.

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But, again, what about the toilet? The A.V. Club actually took a few minutes to research top-of-the-line luxury toilets, and while none can match the solid-gold can in the bathroom at the Guggenheim, Kohler’s Numi toilet is equipped with bluetooth technology, a motion-activated seat, seat and foot warmers, and “advanced bidet functionality.” It also comes with an ad campaign featuring two dispassionate sexy people posing next to the toilet in one of those all-glass houses in the Hollywood Hills. (Talk about shitting on the poor.) That one’ll set you back about $5,000. Or how about the Toto Neorest, which has similar features—plus UV lights and crap—but retails for $9,800 because it’s “sleek” and Japanese?

We can’t confirm that either of those models are currently being installed in Jerry Cantrell’s bathroom, but at the very least, this thing probably has a seat warmer and plays you a little song as you pee. (”Down In A Hole,” maybe?) And who needs drugs when you’ve got toasty butt cheeks?

[via Consequence Of Sound]

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