Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Ah, Christ: O.J. Simpson has weighed in on Jeffrey Toobin's "Zoom Dick" incident

Illustration for article titled Ah, Christ: O.J. Simpson has weighed in on Jeffrey Toobins Zoom Dick incident
Photo: John Gurzinski / AFP (Getty Images)

Good morning. Many of you might already be aware, but it bears repeating that yesterday a certain story broke involving the proper nouns “Jeffrey Toobin” and “Zoom Dick.” It was a lot to process on multiple levels, but the gist is this: Last week, noted CNN and The New Yorker legal analyst Toobin, while participating in an election simulation between both fellow TNY staffers and WNYC members, was reportedly seen masturbating during the teleconference call. Thus, Zoom Dick.

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As Vice notes, the former Department of Justice associate counsel for the Iran-Contra Affair has since been suspended by The New Yorker, banned from all future WNYC engagements, and is currently taking “some time off while he deals with a personal issue,” according to an official statement from CNN. For what it’s worth (which is not much), sources told VICE it didn’t appear Toobin’s Zoom Dick was intentional, and that he didn’t realize his camera was on. Toobin has since admitted that he “made an embarrassingly stupid mistake, believing [he] was off-camera,” and that he would like to “apologize to my wife, family, friends and co-workers.”

Okay. So know that we’re all caught up, we can all agree that the image of Toobin cranking it during a #Resistance happy hour is both horrifying and hilarious and move on with our lives...

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Ah, shit. 

Yep, that’s definitely O.J. Simpson weighing in on Toobin’s Zoom Dick with both a robustDaaaaamn” and a reference to Paul Reubens’ ridiculous 1991 masturbation debacle.

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The Juice, it seems, is enjoying some schadenfreude of his own. Toobin, after all, extensively covered Simpson’s 1994 murder trial, and even wrote a book, The Run of His Life: The People v. O. J. Simpson, that was then adapted into FX’s The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story. We can’t imagine O.J. is a fan of either.

CNN’s Jake Tapper, speaking for a weary nation, echoed the comments of many in O.J.’s replies. “You murdered your wife and an innocent man in cold blood,” he wrote on Monday night. “No one really needs to hear from you ever.”

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We’ll update this article accordingly once Phil Spector chimes in on TikTok.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).

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