Knowing that Piranha 3D features both a Joe Francis proxy getting his dick bitten off and “an underwater skank ballet,” it seems impossible to imagine that anyone could not like the film (even though our own Nathan Rabin seems to have found a way). But in case you also leave feeling as though the film didn’t live up to your standards regarding films featuring three-dimensional gore, tits, and carnivorous fish, star Adam Scott says he will personally come to your house and make you like it.

Movieline picked up on a tweet from Scott yesterday that read, “Seriously. If you feel ripped off I will come to your house and act out my scenes for you and your friends. U provide shotgun and fish.” Today Vanity Fair called him on it, and while Scott said he “can’t imagine one not being satisfied with Piranha 3D,” he affirmed that “yes, of course I will be there.” Only this isn’t going to be like that Dr Pepper you never got from Axl Rose; he’s serious—as long as you meet the following stipulations:

“Few things: Will need the aforementioned firearm and fish. Will also need local Elisabeth Shue look-alike to run dialogue with, a plaid shirt, two high-fives (one before we run the scenes, one after), peanut M&M’s, a map with the closest Red Roof Inn circled on it (I won’t be staying there, I just like knowing where it is. I’ll be staying with you), a 700-word essay on why you neglected to recognize that Piranha 3D totally f**king shreds, Perrier, a quick guitar lesson, one grenade, dinner with your family, and directions to the airport.”  

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Actually, this all sounds perfectly reasonable, and there’s probably an Elisabeth Shue look-alike stuck behind the counter of our local Sunglass Hut right now. Perhaps we should get Nathan to do this? Anyone got a grenade we can borrow?