Adam Sandler was robbed, goddammit. Uncut Gems was one of the best movies of the year and Sandler’s anxious, sweaty performance is exactly the one we all knew he was capable of delivering. He’s not sweating it, though. In a perfect tweet posted this morning, Sandler referred to himself as “Sandman” while celebrating his Waterboy co-star Kathy Bates’ nomination and the fact that he can now “stop wearing suits.” (Bates’ reply is also perfect.)
Still, relaxing at home in some sweatpants and floppy socks, Sandler is no doubt plotting his payback. Lest you forget, he promised back in December that if he doesn’t get a nomination, he’ll make a movie “so bad on purpose.” Critics of his recent output—think Grown-Ups 2 or The Ridiculous Six—might say he’s been doing that for years, but we’re here for it, if only because his bad movies are bad primarily because they feel so deeply, unabashedly lazy. If he’s actively trying to make some garbage? Well, there’s a good chance it could turn into something great.
To help grease the gears of his brainstorming, we would like to humbly submit our own pitches for his next movie. Adam, you have full permission to plunder these for parts or, hell, just straight-up steal them.
Sandler stars as Rudy, a rambunctious but sweet 12-year old being raised by a single father (Kevin James) still grieving the unexpected death of his wife (Salma Hayek). Joining in the hijinks are Rudy’s playboy uncle (David Spade), his dad’s loyal best friend (Chris Rock), and their rude-but-golden-hearted NYC landlord (Rob Schneider, wearing a bald cap and sporting an indeterminable “Eastern European” accent). Sandler’s face will be CGId onto a child’s body.
An aimless forty-something, Ollie (Sandler), takes a DNA biology test and discovers that he’s related to the current President of the United States (Jon Stewart). He shows up at the White House hoping to reconnect with his father who’s in the midst of a tough reelection campaign against an underhanded opponent (Chris Rock). The president, fearful of a scandal, tries to hide the potentially scandalous news by giving Ollie a low-stakes job as the White House janitor. Soon, however, Ollie begins to crack through his father’s tough exterior, befriending the president’s lonely son (Nick Swardson) and doting wife (Leslie Mann) and helping the Secretary of Defense (Kevin Nealon) avoid war by taking a non-specified Middle Eastern diplomat (Sacha Baron Cohen) to “a nudie bar.” Ollie and his dad learn that family is what you make of it.
Sandler plays twins: Warren and Wally. Warren is the dashing star of the New York Knicks. Wally is a folksy bodega owner, playing local pick-up games with a group of impoverished teens (led by Taylor Lautner) and wondering if he made the right choice in giving up basketball for his wife (Drew Barrymore), who passed away the previous year. When Warren breaks his foot and can’t compete in the play-offs, a desperate coach (LeBron James) convinces Wally to come out of retirement—as Warren. Wally finally gets to taste life in the big leagues—but fitting into the elite world of professional basketball won’t be easy. As Warren teaches Wally how to act like him, they discover that maybe they’re not so different, after all.
Iggy (Sandler) is invited by a suave coworker, Clive (Clive Owen) to the Virgin Islands for what he thinks will be a relaxed weekend of beachside tanning and fruity cocktails. But things take a turn when he discovers Clive is taking him to an orgy. The problem? Iggy’s still a virgin. As bikini-clad babes flirt with him, Iggy is taught the ways of love by Clive and a couple of big-hearted orgy gurus (David Spade and Al Pacino). Iggy feels ready, but after developing feelings for a potential partner (Emily Ratajkowski) he soon discovers that every relationship moves at its own pace.
Sandman. Netflix. Call us. We have more.
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