While still reeling from the mere $350 million raked in by Solo: A Star Wars Story, as well as rumors that some of the three planned Star Wars trilogies will be reconfigured in this disaster’s wake, Disney must now face a new rebellion from within their own ranks. Yes, that nattering horde still upset that Luke was a hologram or whatever has finally penned their manifesto, declaring once and for all that they will take up their lightsabers and T-16s and crowd-fund a shitty Last Jedi remake whether they’re allowed to or not.
Twitter user and inspirational revolutionary @AzulaAr first penned the manifesto earlier this month, utilizing a charming wood-grain texture and what appears to be a colored-pencil emblem:
Utilizing the grandiloquent phrasings of an actual manifesto—you know, one that actually means something—the declaration reads, “We believe that, should fans—lifelong fans especially—be purposefully shunned, insulted, and tossed aside by those at the head of the Franchise, it is the unalienable right of said fans to boycott or force change in such Leadership.” (There are a lot of weird capitalizations.)
You already know their core beefs: essentially, that The Last Jedi was “too political” because it, like, included women; that Rian Johnson is somehow not a true fan; and that they, as diligent consumers, deserve nothing but exactly what they want in the most reassuring manner possible. And reading the manifesto, you become convinced: They are right. Star Wars should just be catchphrases and stories about how the Sarlacc got there and we should definitely see Bossk as a little kid. Bossk as a little kid should be friends with Han Solo as a little kid, and they should kill General Grievous’s dad. The stories write themselves!
There are many powerful passages in the document. Here is one:
We do not take this course lightly. Franchises long since established should not be changed for slight and transient causes, but when those helming a Franchise display a history of callous disrespect for said Franchise, its long and storied history, & its massive fanbase; displaying a clear design to subjugate totally and absolutely the Characters We have come to know and love solely to push a social narrative, it is our right—our duty—to depose of that leadership.
They then proceed with a laundry list of grievances, including: Disrespecting the characters of the original trilogy; using new characters “as toys”(?) and “tools to push an agenda of masculine inferiority”; lying to George Lucas, on two counts; letting Han Solo and Luke Skywalker die; making Leia fly; and so on. Finally, they accuse Lucasfilm itself of calling critics of The Last Jedi racists, sexists, misogynists, and members of the alt-right—here they are clearly confusing Lucasfilm with “people on Twitter”—and, in a telling final grievance, complain that the studio has refused “to even recognize that people who are not male or are not caucasian dislike (their) modus operandi as well.” That is an extremely strange grievance!
Nevertheless, one imagines Kathleen Kennedy shivering as she reads the manifesto’s closing salvo—“To these ends, we pledge our merchandise, our honor, and our wallets”—utterly agog at the notion of someone pledging their “merchandise” against her fell agenda. The original tweet has since been appended with a long explanation of the emblem itself— “adapted from the crest of the Galactic Federation Of Free Alliances”—along with an explanation for all of those wonderful color choices.
As of press time, Disney has not responded to the manifesto. Rian Johnson, meanwhile, is still explaining his movie to dumbasses on Twitter.
This will never, ever end.