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A former Simpsons writer decries the fast food sacrilege of President Hamburgers

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There are plenty of reasons why the President of the United States’ decision to fete the Clemson football team with a fast food smorgasbord is a disconcerting snapshot of the current state of the American government, but, among them all, we must not lose sight of the most basic outrage—that those burgers probably tasted like shit.

Highlighting this fact is an article from Vulture that calls upon the talents of comedy writer Bill Oakley (whose credits include The Simpsons, Portlandia, Disenchantment and, most notably, “steamed hams” and a fast food-centered Instagram) to describe the myriad sins committed by President “Ronald Mc” Donald Trump’s White House spread.

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After acknowledging that, yes, the whole thing is more than a little reminiscent of Skinner serving up a bunch of Krusty Burgers to Superintendent Chalmers, Oakley writes that, though there’s nothing wrong with fast food, “the way in which it was presented, chosen, and offered by the president was far from perfect—some might say typical of this administration.”

What follows is a list of key reasons why Oakley believes this to be true. He discusses how the banquet was likely cold, reminding us that “ ... almost all fast food, especially burgers and fries, are good for about ten minutes max after they leave the restaurant.” He also brings up the lack of imagination displayed by a limited spread consisting only of Domino’s, Wendy’s, McDonald’s, and Burger King (“There are not one but TWO Five Guys within walking distance of the White House,” Oakley writes. “There is also a Chipotle, a Qdoba, and a Baja Fresh ...”). He also points out that Trump seemed to offer no strong opinions regarding which fast food items he even liked, evidence of the cold, joyless utilitarianism behind the emergency meal.

Oakley ends his piece by imploring readers to view these failings not as the fault of the fast food itself, but rather the responsibility of the man-thing who orchestrated the event. This seems more than fair. After all, the Big Mac does not harm out of sentient malice, which is better than can be said for the president who orders burgers for White House guests.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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About the author

Reid McCarter

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.