Of all the crimes, playful vandalism is by far the best. The joke-loving vandal, creeping through the night to perform their tasks, doesn’t want to hurt people or take from others. Instead, they find things in the world that aren’t to their liking and, for any number of reasons, mess them up in funny ways. If you’re not on board with this praise, consider the current, de facto leader of the vandal ranks: a mysterious person who just wants to stick googly eyes on statues.
Last Thursday, Savannah, Georgia officials took to Facebook in order to detail this defacement. Members of the killjoy city government informed the internet that the city’s monument to Revolutionary War major general Nathanael Greene was enhanced with a pair of googly eyes, which, despite every bone in your body saying otherwise, apparently “is no laughing matter.”
The googly eyes apparently harmed the statue, which is really just the fault of the wet blanket who removed them, and the unidentified vandal’s criminal charges will be set in proportion to the damage ... if they’re caught. According to Savannah Now, “more than $500" in damage would involve shifting charges from a misdemeanor to felony offense.
If the googly bandit is wise and has chosen their conspirators carefully, they’ll lie low, keeping quiet and washing the novelty glue from their fingertips, until all of this blows over. They should be allowed their anonymity. After all, didn’t people like Greene fight to establish a country whose constitution guarantees its citizens life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? If America wants to live up to its founding principles, it should make provisions for the happiness that comes from slapping googly eyes onto statues.
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