Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

A breakdown of TikTok's Grocery Store: The Musical, the must-see show of 2020

Illustration for article titled A breakdown of TikToks iGrocery Store: The Musical/i, the must-see show of 2020
Photo: John Lamparski/SOPA Images/LightRocket (Getty Images)

Perhaps we’re stating the obvious here, but 2020 hasn’t been the best year for Broadway musical fans (or movie fans, or television fans). So far, the best thing theater kids have gotten was Disney+’s Hamilton release, but all that changed this week with the jaw-dropping spectacle that is Grocery Story: The Musical, courtesy of some people’s extremely creative use of TikTok’s duet feature. It is, hands down, the best theater production of 2020.

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Okay, so that’s pretty good, right? “It’s a pretty amusing and accurate pastiche of modern musical theatre, and the post’s lyrics, culled from a song entitled “New York Summer” by Louisa Melcher, are truly spot-on for something like this. “That’s it?” you may be wondering to yourself. “That’s Grocery Store: The Musical?” Oh, how very wrong you are...

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Ooh, a dramatic duet! Now things are heating up. There’s two sides to every story, after all, and nowhere is that more important than in a grocery story couple’s musical meltdown. What could possibly heighten the tension, though?

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Please don’t expose the child to your dysfunctions, Broadway Mom and Dad! The kid doesn’t deserve it, and they’re only there because they have to be, clinging to the hope their parents will let them get Cocoa Puffs this week. Now we have a catchy family tragedy proceeding right in front of our eyes.

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Finally, a voice of the common folk enters this epic finale performance! This domestic rift is pulling in everyone milling about this damn grocery store. We don’t know about you all at this point, but we’re at the edge of our seats.

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Gasp! The surprise reintroduction of presumably an ancillary character from a previous act of the show: The can of soup! “I’m a can of souuuuup,” it croons to us, offering a modicum of hope. In this modern age of ours, what else could we hope for but to know exactly who we are? If only everyone else in this play and at home were as self-actualized as Can of Soup.

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Sing along with us now: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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Listen to the passion behind the automatic door’s incessant bell. Simply astounding, and just as jarring as the real thing. This musical has it all.

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“The Random Voice That Comes Over The Speaker” is a metaphor for God, right?

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No, we take that back. The produce section mist-sprayer spitting in your face is definitely the God metaphor here.

Bravo, Grocery Store: The Musical. Bravo.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).

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