If you're like me, you spent last night not watching The Screen Actors Guild Awards, a show that dares to ask the question, "Why on Earth would anybody care about what actors think?"
Answer: because The Screen Actors Guild boldly went where no other awards show has gone before. Awards for Meryl Streep and Sean Penn: for acting? Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock and Mad Men winning all sorts of prizes for TV excellence? Is this bizarro world or something? Have we all gone mad?
According to the Internet Movie Database the big winners at last night festivities included the overwrought mediocrity Slumdog Millionare, which picked up best performance by a cast in a film so shamelessly melodramatic its deleted scenes will probably feature twenty minutes of the villain twirling his mustache while tying the heroine to the railroad tracks; Streep, who picked up her very first acting award for Doubt, Sean Penn, who won Best Actor for Milk, Heath Ledger, who picked up Best Supporting Actor for The Dark Knight and Kate Winslet, who won Best Supporting Actress for the universally beloved Nazi sex shocker The Reader.
On the television front, 30 Rock dominated, with Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey being heralded as Best Actor and Actress in a comedy and the ensemble getting the nod for Best Cast. John Adams and Laura Linney won awards for Best Actor and Actress in a Television Movie or Mini-series and Mad Men winning for best Ensemble in a Drama.
Ah but it wasn’t all cleavage, blinding smiles and self-congratulatory speeches from people paid handsomely to make pretend they’re other people while reading someone else’s words. According to this story in The Daily Beast, Mickey Rourke has lashed out at Oscar competition Sean Penn for being a medium talent and one of the biggest homophobes he knows.
The Lifetime Achievement Award was given to James Earl Jones. According to the always-hilarious WENN news nuggets on IMDB, Jones has a furtive shame he’s been hiding from the world. “Movie veteran James Earl Jones has a secret passion for goats.” begins the explosive new bulletin before chronicling Jones’ youth on a goat farm and current goat-farming ways.
That isn’t the only animal/celebrity shocker on IMDB today. Other headlines include “Rivers: I Ate Dog In China” (a must-read account of Joan Rivers’ fear she accidentally consumed man’s best friend during a trip abroad) and “Reynolds Takes In Rescue Dog”, a riveting account that begins: “Burt Reynolds has fallen in love again - with a dog.” You heard it here first, folks: Reynolds has gotten back together with Sally Field, who not so coincidentally picked up a Best Performance In A Drama at the SAG Awards last night for her work on that show nobody watches. (thanks to longtime Newswire joke-writer Gags Beasley for that last zinger).