Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

2 beds, 1.5 baths, granite countertops, jail cells attached

Illustration for article titled 2 beds, 1.5 baths, granite countertops, jail cells attached
Photo: Robert Daly (Getty Images)

There are cleverer ways of opening this story about a $350,000 real estate listing in Fayette, Missouri, an extensively renovated high-end home with two bedrooms, two baths, and an apparently functioning correctional facility. You might expect some commentary about the state of the world at the moment, the ups and downs of the housing market, the movement to defund, and many other important issues. And yes, this is a situation that seems made for pointed metaphors. But sometimes you’ve just got to speak what’s in your heart, so here goes: What the actual fuck?

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Like, what in the actual sam-hell insurmountable reality-bending fuck is this fucking thing, and why on earth would anyone ever describe it as it’s described here? Because what follows, reader, is the fucking listing for this fucked-up fucking house with its gorgeous fucking claw-foot tub and its nine cells. Click through to view the images, which you will of course want to see, but for the love of god don’t buy this place because then we’ll all have to be terrified of you and no one wants that. Now, let’s annotate this motherfucking nightmare real estate listing.

WAIT until you get to picture #30!!

Okay, first of all, those caps and the double exclamation points are somehow both warranted and deeply disturbing. This isn’t “and it has a real fireman’s pole!!” situation, this is jail cells. This place is destined to be a home for the worst corporate retreats and youth group outings in history. Moving on.

1875 Howard County Sheriff’s House and Jail. Extremely unique opportunity!! Extensive renovation in 2005 (supposedly $1.5 million) captures modern high end finishes with traditional architecture and character.

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Credit where it’s due, this is, in fact, an extremely unique opportunity. But, from whence does the “supposedly” come? And if the remodel for this place really clocked in at over a million bucks, then, uh, why is it selling for $350,000? What happened here?

This home is 2465 sq ft with three levels of living area, 2 bedroom. 1.5 bath, high end finish throughout, appears to have been totally rewired, replumbed and new HVAC zoned system installed. AND THE BEST PART,

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Guess what the best part is.

connected to the home is a 2500 sq ft legitimate jail with 9 cells, booking room and 1/2 bath. The cell door lock throws appear to be operational. Full basement under the home with lighting throughout. Possibilities are amazing with this property.

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Please, tell us more about the full basement with lighting throughout, because nothing else in this listing is really of interest, seems pretty straightforward.

Here’s some history of the property, courtesy of the Howard County Sheriff’s Office.

[It] is among those buildings in the city listed on the National Register of Historic Places. According to an old newspaper article, the jail was built and ready for occupancy in the spring of 1894, when George Crigler was sheriff. Ten prisoners that were being held in the Cooper County Jail were to be its first occupants. When the jail opened, it could house approximately 15 men, but included no provisions for women. And although it was built with gallows, no hangings were ever reported.

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That should really go in the listing. “Granite countertops. Zero hangings reported!” After a bond issue was passed in 2002, the county built a new jail. Someone bought it, refurbished it, left the prison cells and their sad urinals as-is, and now it’s for sale again.

Curiously, the jail cells were omitted from this twinkly-soundtracked video slideshow:

The inevitable AirBNB listing for this place is going to be insufferable.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Contributor, The A.V. Club and The Takeout. Allison loves TV, bourbon, and overanalyzing social interactions. Please buy her book, How TV Can Make You Smarter (Chronicle, 2020). It’s short!

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