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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

The saga of the Trump/Kushner Secret Service detail that left an "unpleasant mess" in the Obama's bathroom

Illustration for article titled The saga of the Trump/Kushner Secret Service detail that left an "unpleasant mess" in the Obama's bathroom
Photo: Alex Wong (Getty Images)

The Secret Service, famously, will take a bullet for those they protect. And yet, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner’s Secret Service detail were not allowed to take a dump in their charges’ bathroom. The Washington Post, knowing that democracy, like waste flushed into the sewers, dies in darkness, has reported on how this one shitty policy, made by a pissy couple from a family that clearly overestimates the burden regular people place on toilets, led to a waste of taxpayer money and, ultimately, to the creation of an “unpleasant mess” in the Obama’s bathroom.

According to the article, Trump and Kushner instructed their Secret Service detail “not to use any of the half-dozen bathrooms” inside their Kalorama, Washington, D.C. home. Barred from the facilities used by the couple—presumably in an effort to hide evidence of the dark magick rituals used by Kushner to summon himself a human body from his family’s excrement each morning—the Secret Service ended up trying a bunch of different options to relieve themselves while on duty.

Having nowhere else to go, the agents used bathrooms from nearby businesses, temporarily put up a porta-potty on a sidewalk in the wealthy neighborhood, and, for a while, used the bathroom in a garage that the Obamas’ detail were set up in. “This solution, too, was short-lived after a Secret Service supervisor from the Trump/Kushner detail left an unpleasant mess in the Obama bathroom at some point before the fall of 2017,” the Post writes. “That prompted the leaders of the Obama detail to ban the agents up the street from ever returning.” Having abused the hospitality—and the toilet—of their fellow agents, Kushner and Trump’s detail then had to drive a mile to Mike Pence’s house when they needed the bathroom before, eventually, they rented a neighbor’s basement in order to get to its precious toilet.

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“Since September 2017,” the Post writes, “the federal government has been spending $3,000 a month—more than $100,000 to date—to rent a basement studio, with a bathroom, from a neighbor of the Kushner family” so the Secret Service can relieve themselves.

A White House spokesperson, after initially declining to comment on the story, told the Post that “Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner have not denied Secret Service personnel access to their home to include use of the restroom.” On the other hand, the article also includes a quote from a law enforcement official “familiar with the situation,” who says, “It’s the first time I ever heard of a Secret Service detail having to go to these extremes to find a bathroom.”

If you’re determined to get to the stinky, trembling bottom of the story for yourself, read the entire toilet report here.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.

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