Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Hide your needles, hide your yarn: "The online knitting mob is real," apparently

Illustration for article titled Hide your needles, hide your yarn: The online knitting mob is real, apparently
Photo: Betsie Van der Meer (Getty Images)

Lock your doors and batten down the hatches, people. The online knitting mob is real, and it could be coming for you. At least, that’s what this video from the Trumpers at PragerU are claiming. Strap in, everyone.

Okay, so a bit of background is probably needed. About a year-and-a-half ago, Vox published a feature about the online knitting world’s recent racial reckoning within their ranks—which, yes, probably sounds a bit much upon first hearing it. But the piece details a pretty logical progression of events taking place within knitter forums and social media. POC hobbyists began speaking out following a tone-deaf blog post from one of the community’s more popular personalities, which then sparked a larger discussion about representation and whitewashing within a pastime somewhat known for its prohibitive expenses and class associations.

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A few months later, a popular knitting and crocheting website issued a public statement banning pro-Trump sentiments being featured in their forums and online store, which was summarily pounced upon by conservative media as yet another example of the the Intolerant Left’s War on...whatever.

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A year has since passed, and one could be forgiven for thinking the online knitting reckoning has simmered down. Well, according to the woman in this simply outstanding PragerU video, the Leftist Yarn Uprising continues unabated. And that’s cause for a serious reevaluation of where you’re placing your allegiances.

The Rally That Changed My Mind” recounts Karlyn Borysenko’s tragic disillusionment with the online knitting world after a handful of marginalized folks asked to be included in the proverbial knitting circle.

“The online knitting mob is real, and like all mobs, it’s mean,” she tells viewers. “The truth is, I’m much more interested in a three-needle bind-off than discussing immigration policy.”

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Thanks for the honesty, Karlyn. The five-minute monologue—accompanied by cutesy animations—details Borysenko’s decision to finally attend a Trump rally in New Hampshire to check out what all these supposedly intolerant MAGA fans are all about. Turns out, she had it completely wrong! You see, the Republican rally was all about “optimism and energy,” while her Democratic counterparts were just “doom and gloom” types who don’t know how to kick back, relax, and accuse everyone they don’t like of being a pedophile.

And as for the online knitting wars? They carry on unabated, the red, white, and blue quilts of our fathers burning beneath the feet of string-clad communist hobbyists.

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Send Great Job, Internet knits to gji@theonion.com

Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).

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