Having been snubbed by the Academy for his performance in Uncut Gems, the world must now wait to see if Adam Sandler will make good on his promise to create a movie “that is so bad on purpose.” Fortunately, the decades we’ve all spent watching Sandler’s bad-but-not-on-purpose oeuvre have prepared us for this eventuality, providing plenty of inspiration for writing up our own pitches.
Since posting these, our commenters have been busy dreaming up their own cinematic treasures. Here are a few of the best (?) ideas we read.
Master Gator, by Guy Under The Seats
Adam Sandler is stuttering, baby-voiced Cajun chef Michele Fontenot, who has left the bayou to open a wildly popular restaurant in Times Square featuring a giant alligator tank. He is smitten with Drew Barrymore, who runs a school for developmentally disabled children, and has invited her to bring the children to a closed-door dinner at the restaurant. But when he finds out that the city health inspector (Fran Drescher), who wants to close down the restaurant and turn it into a organic salad bar and feminist reading room, is making a surprise inspection the same night, he bribes his friends Kevin James, Rob Schneider, and David Spade with a case of Cajun moonshine to spend their Sunday cleaning and repairing the restaurant. In the ensuing drunken hijinks, his friends accidentally release the enormous star alligator from its tank into the NYC sewers, and Sandler and his friends have to track it down before the city finds out. Deep in the sewers they meet Chris Rock, a wild but wise homeless man with a telepathic connection to rats. But will they all be able to corral the real gator before the restaurant guests discover that Rob Schneider has been left in the tank in a giant alligator costume as a decoy, forced to eat the pig feet and crawfish shells thrown at him by the schoolchildren? Find out this February in “Master Gator”!
Billy Goes To College, by BIMming It
Billy Madison is in his 50's, his father is dead and the business along with it. While he’s far from broke, having inherited most of his fathers estate, Billy starts attending community college in hopes of bringing his father’s company back to its former glory. Things go sideways when his professor turns out to be Eric Gordon, his former rival who left the company in shame. He’s tenured, and he’s going to make life hell for Billy (who still goes by Billy). Norm MacDonald cameo just to repeat the “Hey Billy... Where’s Billy at?” line, and the penguin returns and recites popular lines from the original film. Billy also has some punk kids light a flaming bag of poo and leave it on his doorstep, the significance of which is completely lost to Billy.
All Up Inside Our Own Butts, by Hagbard Selina Kyle
Adam Sandler stars as Rob Schneider, who’s been hired to star in a movie biopic of David Spade. But Sandler’s Schneider has a different vision of the Spade character than director Dennis Dugan, a frequent Adam Sandler director but a man whom Schneider does not see eye to eye with. Dugan, played by Kevin James, will butt heads with Schneider, played by Sandler of course, over their creative differences. Dugan will then bring in Adam Sandler, played by Stone Cold Steve Austin, to talk Schneider/Sandler into buying into his vision of the David Spade biopic. Sandler/Austin is adamant that Dugan/James bring in Chris Rock, played by Young Sheldon, to play the role of Chris Farley. Schneider/Sandler wants Kevin James, played by TJ Miller, to play Farley.
The climax of the movie comes after Schneider/Sandler has disrupted production due to an addiction to that street drug from Riverdale called Jingle Jangle only to be saved by a prostitute with a heart of gold named Steve Buscemi (not that one), played by David Spade.
The working title is All Up Inside Our Own Butts.
Cats 2, by Brontosaurian
Cats 2 and they’re all played by Adam Sandler.
With these ideas rattling around in our minds, we couldn’t help writing up another pair of pitches.
Mable Wachowski (Sandler in old lady make-up and prosthetics) has been in a funk since her husband died five years ago. After a health scare, her three adult sons (Sandler sans costuming, David Spade, and Allen Covert) put their heads together to figure out how to cheer their mom up. They decide to bring her to Las Vegas for a week-long party of a lifetime. Surprising them all, Mable rediscovers her wild side, leaving the boys scrambling to catch up as she drunkenly hops onstage with Celine Dion to sing an unexpected duet, rides the gondolas with a stray dog (voiced by Ben Stiller), marries a blind croupier (Henry Winkler) in a shotgun wedding, and flees a casino enforcer (Dave Bautista) who suspects her of cheating at Blackjack.
Playing With Ourselves
Four friends and former college bandmates (Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, and John Turturro) reunite when, during a search on eBay for the very first Playboy magazine he ever owned, one of them discovers the demo tape they recorded together decades in the past. They get together to play through the old songs and, reminiscing over the paths they didn’t take, decide to work toward winning an upcoming Battle Of The Bands (hosted at the Times Square Hard Rock Cafe). Things won’t be as simple as just practicing hard, however: Their old manager (Jon Lovitz) wants the 20 percent he never made from them in the past, a young rival band (Andy Samberg, Pete Davidson, and Colin Jost) sets out to sabotage their set, and the realities of adulthood (kids, corporate jobs, nagging wives) force the band to question where their priorities really lie.
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