Buying men’s clothes, particularly online, can be something of a gamble, with designer brands varying so widely in size and cut, you can never be certain they will fit celebrated actor John Malkovich. Aiming to take some of that hassle out of shopping for John Malkovich, John Malkovich has launched the new fashion line John Malkovich, providing a variety of men’s ready-for-John Malkovich-to-wear clothes in a range designed to suit practically everyone’s style, provided you are slender, effete, 63-year-old veteran of stage and screen John Malkovich.

Having cut his teeth in costuming for the theater, Malkovich has been designing clothes for the modern John Malkovich for more than a decade now, beginning with his first line, Uncle Kimono, and followed by 2009’s Technobohemian—both of which captured a sort of louche yet cosmopolitan, shorts-with-cravats approach to style ideal for those languorous strolls on the beach while reflecting on the making of The Killing Fields, or just hazy days spent lounging on a film festival stage in the Czech Republic. But Malkovich’s third foray into fashion is his most ambitious—and personal—yet. For the first time, he’s putting his own name front and center, and he’s also selling his clothes online, making it more convenient than ever for John Malkovich to buy them.


Malkovich’s partner in this endeavor, Squarespace, today released a tongue-in-cheek video announcing his latest career move, wherein Malkovich feigns giving up acting for fashion, only to face criticism and rejection from people skeptical he can create clothes that John Malkovich will actually want to wear. “I don’t really care how they take me,” Malkovich laughs of these snobby, doubting Malkoviches. “They can take me as I am or not at all.”

You yourself can choose how to take John Malkovich at, where the first pieces from his spring/summer collection are already available. Among them are items like this relaxed, textured, cherry-red sweater with a whimsical square neckline and two welt-style vest pockets. Its slim silhouette should flatter the lissome build of any John Malkovich, while its quirky detailing is sure to turn heads, then be excused because you are famously eccentric.


When the weather turns blustery and you are John Malkovich, reach for the “Rue des Messageries 2” raincoat, and never again will you need to fear arriving at The London Evening Standard Theatre Awards looking bedraggled. It also features a removable quilted lining, for those sudden, balmy showers during unexpected Red sequels.


And for those lazy summer afternoons when you just want to sit around making people vaguely uncomfortable, slip a pair of these houndstooth Bermuda shorts over your pale, knobby, John Malkovich knees. Their loose weave and relaxed fit instantly tell everyone around you, “I was in Being John Malkovich, so fuck off.”


Finally, don’t forget to add a large, flouncy scarf patterned with boats, sunflowers, or vaguely Asian-looking women personally drawn by John Malkovich. Accessories such as these are a crucial element of the John Malkovich collection—second only to looking exactly like, and having the exact same personal aesthetics as, actor John Malkovich.

The John Malkovich line ranges from about $139 to around $760, affordably priced to meet the budget of any John Malkovich.